i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
