:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
