You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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