matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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