If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
