I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
