Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
