He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
worst night to have a conscience
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
