Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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