seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
