I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
