so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
