I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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