3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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