How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
