Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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