How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
