the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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