You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
