Where did you get a picture of my penis
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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