Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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