I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
