Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
