ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
