this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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