The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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