i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
