He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
