How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize