it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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