in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
