Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
