Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
