Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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