he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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