I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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