they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
