Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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