dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
