also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
