i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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