You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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