Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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