there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
