i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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