found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
