you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
