so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
