if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
