I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
