New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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